“Dum Spiro Spero”: While I Breathe, I Hope.

I’ve said previously that my Mother and dad divorced when I was three. I don’t remember much of them together. But, I do remember that my dad was there as much as he could be. If you have read any of my posts so far, you know there was something wrong in my home. My Mother was not quite right. Many would say she was “crazy”. They weren’t wrong.

My dad loved my mother. So much so, he still provided for her a lot through the years. He still had their wedding bands when he died. My dad never dated again after they go divorced. I never remember seeing him in another relationship after that. My dad died when he was 46 from acute leukemia (FUCK CANCER). He was 29 when they got divorced. He spent 29 years alone, outside of raising us when we moved in with him. He watched the people around him live lives with people they loved and he watched people have these amazing relationships. He remained faithful to our Mother, he loved her but couldn’t be with her because of her mental illness.

The strength this took was incredible. Some people say it was a waste or that he couldn’t move on but I think she was it for him. The real fucked up thing, a few days after he died, I went to see my Mother and she said to me “I’ve been thinking about how much I miss Jim. I want to be with him.” This wrecked me. I was there to tell her he had died.

Because of what we were going through in my Mothers house, my dad would sleep in his truck in the driveway. My Mother filed a restraining order against him and he stayed outside that limit. He wasn’t violent, wasn’t controlling her, or anything like that. She was having delusions and they attached to anyone near her. Day in and day out he was there for all of us. It didn’t matter what we did. He showed up. I miss him dearly.